The month of
July will go down in my life as the period of “awareness”. I went through an extra-ordinary experience –
an intricate and complex surgery of my subconscious mind by my own self using
the centuries old technique of Vipassana. Vipassana was rediscovered by Gotama the
Buddha over twenty-five centuries ago. Vipassana means seeing things as they
really are. To those this sounds
familiar - yes, I took the 10-day Vipassana course in July as taught by Shri S.N. Goenka in the
tradition of Sayagu U Ba Khin of Burma. What
I experienced over the 10-day course was a phenomenon that words cannot express.
Yet I am unable to hold myself back from sharing my encounter with Vipassana with
both, the known and the unacquainted.
To put a
context to the narration I must first provide a brief flashback of a certain
aspect of my life and a brief glimpse into a facet of mine known to very
few. I came to Delhi in 1993 as a simple
young man from a small town carrying a big dream of establishing a law firm. There was no Godfather to bless and no one to hold
hand. I soon learnt that in order to
become successful and respected lawyer in this gigantic city not only would I
need to work hard with all the sincerity at my command but I would also need to
develop a ruthless professionalism and adapt to the Delhi lifestyle. All this while
preserving ethics and principles, and guarding against short term temptations.
Those who have worked with me, as lawyers, trainees or as a member of my staff would
mostly remember me as a strict and an uncompromising disciplinarian, who wanted
his entire team to strive for excellence in work, observe and honour strict timelines
and maintain high standards of professional ethics. Enforcing all this was not an easy task as I had
to be a tough task master constantly keeping my team on their feet. Female
colleagues would often break down. It
was equally tough for me to conduct myself in that fashion as I am inherently
an emotional, compassionate and a forgiving person. In fact I was tough on the surface, often
screaming and shouting at all who worked with me, but remained compassionate
and loving towards them beneath the surface.
Am sure though that I was largely misunderstood by most. But I never let
them become aware that I was soft under the surface although I would be almost apologetic
in my heart while shouting and screaming, and expecting tough results. It was for their good too after all. Suffice to state that I this paid well and I climbed
up the ladder of success in a matter of short time. Aspirations and goals were set and achieved,
step by step. I was very proud that I
achieved all that I aspired without ever deviating from the path of my
principles, honesty and ethics.
But then success
does take its own toll I guess. It was only much later that I was to realise
that as I basked in the glory of success some weaknesses crept in slowly but
strongly. I was so busy that I failed to
notice when they got in and settled into my system. While I was climbing up the
ladder of success a strong ego developed. I became self-centric and started
judging people. I realised this only
three years back when I stepped back from legal profession at the peak of my
career and started pursuing other interests but did not have the courage to
accept or admit. But for the Vipassana
course I would have probably not admitted it even today. Even though I fully realised whenever any of my
actions or reactions resulted from my ego, self-centralism or as a result of
judging others I could not correct myself beyond a degree. This was not the Sumant who had come to this
town with a resolve to make big without allowing his original simplicity and
innocence to get lost and humility to be compromised. I became restless. I had to get rid of these
negativities. But how? I read many
inspirational books but found them all good only theoretically providing very little
practical guidance.
Last year
someone suggested that I attend a Vipassana course. Not being a great believer
of meditation and discourses I rejected the idea in the first instance. Being an intellectual I needed something that
would not insult my intelligence and yet appeal to my sensibilities – something
that is as rational and logical as mystical it sounds. Vipassana sounded
convincing. Neither did it promote or
encourage any particular faith nor condemned any. There was no expectation to
convert to Buddhism as Buddha himself never expected a sect to be created in
his name or belief. No fee is charged for teaching, boarding and
food. A friend who had undergone the course endorsed
the choice of Vipassana and I decided to take the plunge and filed for
registration. It took one email to get a
response and my registration was confirmed. I picked up the centre in Jodhpur as
Rajasthan is one place where I feel at ease and that I was sure was going to be
helpful in my endeavour.
I was sufficiently
warned both, by my friend and the introductory reading material forwarded by the
centre that it is a very tough course and I will not be allowed to leave after
I have reported at the centre. I was informed that all sadhaks (students) must scrupulously
observe the code of discipline. They must maintain noble silence for the entire
period of the course. They can neither talk to anyone nor write or make any
physical gestures or even make an eye contact. Male and female students have separated
residential quarters and dining rooms. They have to walk with their eyes to the
ground. Mobile phone, laptop and reading
material must be surrendered to the management. No musical instrument or any other gadget is
allowed to be retained. The sadhaks must maintain complete silence and
talk only when they have any question for the teacher at designated time. Silence
must not just be literal but also noble.
Sounds tough
but not much to me as being a reticent person I don’t prefer to talk much
anyways. In fact I prefer silence to
noise any day. That I will need to get up at 4am and go to sleep at 9.30 pm every
day also did not worry me. It sorts of
sounded familiar as I am an early riser and early to bed person. Two meals a day with a cup of tea and snack
at 5 pm as last meal caused only a minor anxiety as I have moved to either a
very light dinner or altogether skipping it over the previous year. No non-vegetarian food! I am not desperate
about food so that did not cause any anxiety either. What did however cause some anxiety was the
schedule of 10 hour sittings for meditation every day. Sitting for long hours without back support
was going to be stressful for my fragile back that I had hurt 6 years ago in a
freak accident at home. I will cross
that bridge when I come to it I decided. My resolve only became stronger.
I arrived at
the centre at 1 pm on the zero day. I
was allotted a very small room (all rooms are very small) with only a hard low
bed and a cooler for the furnishing. It
was later that I learnt that Jodhpur is the only centre in Rajasthan which provides
coolers in student residence. In other places one must do with a fan only. And
remember at places like Churu temperature rises to 50 degrees Celsius during
summers. There was a thin mattress and
pillow on the bed. I was provided a sheet and pillow cover. This was to be self
washed and re-used during the stay. So
were to be my clothes as there was no laundry service. Fortunately I had
remembered to pack some detergent. A
common earthen pot served as the source of water to all students and staff. Everything appeared as difficult as it had
sounded.
There were
14 other students who arrived in quick succession after me. There were 4 females one out of which was a
Spaniard. Amongst men there were 2 young Japanese. Some of the students were
very interesting characters. One Dhani Ram in particular kept me amused through
the course. Someday I propose to write about him. We were served some dalia
and tea at 6 pm followed by an orientation on the dos and don’ts. By 8
pm I was in my room. Good for the day! We were to be woken up at 4am. A server (also a sadhak from previous courses) would come ringing a bell. He would
do this later for 11 days each time it was time to wake up, meditate or break
for food.
Two meals a
day comprising simple vegetarian food, noble silence and other measures that
sounded so tough to live by remained of no significance whatsoever once the teaching
started. Once I started learning the
technique and appreciating the context and relevance of the code of discipline to
the success of the course I stopped paying any attention to them and accepted
them graciously being part of the moral conduct prerequisite to the purification
of the mind that I was seeking. Its relevance is so convincingly explained by
Shri S. N. Goenka in the first day discourse. In fact the moral conduct is
nothing but Sila, one of the three gems
given by Buddha, the other two being being Samadhi (concentration by meditation)
and Panna
(the wisdom of insight or purification of mind through enhanced awareness)that
form the basis of Vipassana. Sila
comprises of Five Precepts – to abstain from killing any sentient being,
stealing sexual misconduct, lying and taking any intoxicant. This is necessary
to free the mind from the agitation such acts cause.
It is the Samadhi and Panna that offer the real challenge. To go through this one needs a
strong mind full of determination and resolve.
Yet sensitive enough to be able to adapt. One is expected to completely
surrender to the faith in Buddha’s teachings. No one can possibly doubt what
Gotama discovered. Yes, there can be doubts and questions about the technique
most of which are suitably answered by Shri Goenka in an hourly discourse
played digitally every evening. So
self-explanatory is the discourse that questions that pop up during the day get
answered by the evening discourse played on DVD. Then there is a teacher at the
centre who takes questions every evening and privately after the lunch
break. Long hours of meditation with
slow progress can be frustrating. Weak minds break down and call it off. But no
one can leave the course without completing it unless the teacher decides
otherwise and lets you go. 2 girls left on the 6th day but not after
a reprimand of confinement to their room for two days. 1 male left , 2 barely survived and 2 managed
to sail through without learning. Only 4 first timers including me sustained.
Rest were all old students.
I don’t intend
to provide a day by day account of the 10 day course. That will be unfair as it
must be left to be experienced by those who enrol for the course. Suffice to say it is run with remarkable precision.
You can set your watch by the dong of the bell.
Let me provide an overview of the course. The first few days the
students are taught anapana – the
technique of concentration by observing breath in a natural way without
distortion. One is advised not to
imagine any form or object for acquiring concentration. No artificial form of
breathing is proposed. One is left
wondering why observe breath for so many hours or rather over 3 days. This is
necessary to develop control the unruly mind.
It is absolutely critical that one sharpens and focuses one’s mind
because your elevation to next level or for the matter progress or success
depends on this. These first few days
can be really frustrating and are during which most of the drop-outs happen. After
all it is not easy to tame a mind that is wilder than many elephants put
together. You only realise the benefit of anapana
when you enter the fourth day. This is the stage when you start learning
Vipassana and start looking forward to the next guidance and experience. To start with, students are asked to measure
the level of sharpening of mind by observing sensations on the inside walls of
the nose. This is easier said than done.
Let me at
this stage explain why observe sensations? Well because it is within one’s own
body’s sensations lies the entire truth of life and solution to my problem. This is the truth that Gotama the Buddha
discovered 25 centuries ago. Even that
far back in time it was well known and preached by scriptures of all religions
and by saints so many that the six senses (the sixth being the conscious mind
which senses emotions) are the cause of all problems as they lead to dvesha
(aversion) and raga (craving) resulting
in misery. All recommended that to end
the misery one must gain control on these senses. Easier said than done. No one
could really advise how to gain control.
The only solution proposed was to stay away from them. In extreme cases
people became a hermit or renounced the worldly life to detach from these
sensual objects. Buddha was not convinced. He knew there was a missing link and wondered surely
there must be a better way to overcome this misery. He set out to discover the root cause of the
misery and decided to meditate till he attained Enlightenment. And he did discover the truth and gained
Enlightenment. He found that the root cause of misery and their solution lie
within us. He realised that whenever any
of the six senses come in contact with an object it produces a peculiar
sensation in the body. This could be simply speaking a negative or positive,
good or bad sensation. After all our
body is nothing but vibrations caused by sub-atomic particles holding
together. There is no solidity. The subconscious mind reads the sensation and
sends a signal to the conscious mind to react accordingly. The reaction is
broadly in the form of a craving or aversion.
If we like anything, a sensation arises that sends a signal of craving
to the subconscious mind which in turn send a signal to the conscious mind
which acts accordingly. If we don’t like
something it creates aversion. Both are
not good as they cause misery eventually due to attachment or aversion. None of the sensations are permanent. They come and go away. If one is able to
acquire the ability and wisdom to observe these sensations and treat them with
equanimity with full awareness that good or bad, both are temporary and will
pass, one is able to develop a balanced mind which responds with equilibrium to
each sensation. They just need to be observed. If reaction is not based on the judgement
(that is, good or bad sensations), it will be result into a balanced
action. This will ensure that no misery
is caused. For this one must develop a pure mind. Hence, the anapana and the
learning of observation of sensation. This is an overly simple explanation and perhaps
not even as accurate as I should have been.
But I am sure you can read more about it on-line.
Than begins the most amazing part. Once you are ready and can observe sensations with
equanimity, you are asked to let your mind travel on the surface of your entire
body, part by part, from top to bottom and then bottom to top to observe and feel
sensations in your body. In the parts you
don’t feel sensation you may stay a bit longer till you start feeling a
sensation. Sensations can be subtle or
overpowering, ecstatic or painful. One must only observe them without reacting
and maintain complete equanimity. This is the toughest part as one needs a
strong resolve to maintain the equilibrium.
But it is absolutely critical to attain mastery of observation while
maintaining equanimity as only this can help in perfecting the technique of
Vipassana and prepare to regulate the action and reaction that result from such
sensations in real life. By now you are
fully aware that no sensation is same or permanent. Temptations will pass and
so will aversions and cravings.
As a next
step, if and after one has acquired adequate mastery, one starts a deep and
intense surgery of the subconscious mind by feeling sensation in every part of
the body. One soon acquires the skill to activate and sensitise dormant parts
which had earlier failed to produce any sensations. At the next level one penetrates
inside one’s body to perform a similar operation there. If perfect technique is applied one can reach
out to the deepest levels of his or her subconscious mind and all the
impurities, negative energies, blockages, fears and sins from the past, from
this life and previous lives, hidden beneath layer after layer of sensations, start
coming on the surface and disintegrating in different ways. I would restrain myself from exposing more
details of this particular part of exercise and must leave it to be experienced
by the student. Suffice to state that it is an overwhelming experience. I had strange dreams many of which I could
not interpret as I was advised not to focus on them. A number of strange things were expected to
happen I had been warned as a reaction to the deep rooted impurities and negativities
coming up on the surface. I was advised to ignore them all together and accept
them without fear or concern. The risk of going the route of investigating them
was losing focus on the task in hand, that is, learning the technique and
practising it. Suffice to say what I
experienced was beyond my comprehension. I am however tempted to share one particular
dream which had a great relevance. Over
past many years whenever I closed my eyes, the barrel of a gun appeared in my
thoughts as a first thing. I had to shrug it away every time. On the 5th day I had a dream
where I saw a family of 6 people including 2-3 women waiving guns on a person.
I am not sure if that person was me or if I was one of the many spectators
watching the brandishing of the guns.
But one of the guns was familiar. It had the same barrel that appeared
in my thought. From that day the barrel
stopped appearing in my thought. I don’t know if this was an incident from my
past life or an episode from my childhood but whatever it was the barrel is
gone. My locked shoulder opened up and
my back pain went away. I also
discovered the answer to some things that lingered in my conscious.
There are atleast
a dozen or so experiences to share but it will be inappropriate to tell them all
mainly because I do not intend to demean the course by creating an impression
that it resolves your ailments or other doshas.
That is not the objective of the course.
These are only the collateral results or benefits of learning Vipassana. At the core of the course was the learning that
resolved my problem and provided answer to many questions that stalk or nag a
human mind. The learning how to overcome
the craving and aversions and thus avoid misery. To learn that nothing is
permanent so why the Ï”? To learn that
every negative action by you harms only you and none else. To learn that all
your negative actions result in a dosha within you creating misery in one form or the
other. Those who harm you are only
ignorant of what they are doing. We must
learn to smile at their ignorance and have only compassion for them. All punishments for our sins are awarded in
this very lifetime by nature. Such is the law of nature.. Whatever is not
settled in this life is carried forward to the next life as mind is a child of
mind. Much more. Vipassana enables one to experience peace and
harmony, freeing it from the deep rooted cause of suffering and full liberation
from mental defilements. Such was the relief of the learning, experience of
Vipassana and the benefit of surgery that I cried unstoppably for an hour on
the 8th day.
By the end
of the 8th day I felt light like a feather, awakened and fully aware
of the truth of life. I saw things as
they were – impermanent. My ego had
crumbled and the “I” in me had dissolved.
I felt only love and compassion.
I hope and wish that this phenomenon will not wane away and I will be
able to sustain it through my life. It
is only a small beginning although the learning and the experience is gigantic.
I now meditate every day one hour in the morning and one in the evening,
committed to undertake my next course after a gap of 6 months. The best part is one can practice Vipassana
while remaining a house-holder. I
mentioned I often felt a powerful pull deep inside me. I failed to interpret its cause or seeking
despite all efforts. It was so powerful
at times that I would often feel like walking away in search of the
answer. The day I stepped out of the
Vipassana centre after completing the course I knew that this had been the pull
and my calling. And I know where the
seed for that came from. Let that remain
my little secret. For now, I am happy I
have found my path and rediscovered the Sumant that came to this town 20 years
ago.
