Licensed to Kill 13

Licensed to Kill 13

He may not drive flashy cars or flaunt high-tech gadgets like Ian Fleming’s James Bond, but he is surely no less daring, fearless and loyal than the British Secret Service spy licensed to kill.  Padam Singh (name changed), 57, the state forest department guard, whom we accidently stumbled upon on our recent trip to the Chambal Ravines, turned out to be our most compelling and unexpected encounter on our recent trip to Bundhelkhand and Chambal. Padam Singh is licensed to kill upto 13 in line of duty – to protect the wild life of Bihad, a rare privilege, he says, the forest guards owe to Indira Gandhi. He boasts of having invoked this license once thus far, to kill a poacher in Bihad. “The poacher, a local villager, refused to relent even after his repeated warnings. Saale ko goli maar ke nadee mei phenk deyee,” he said in fascinating accent, typical of Bah region. “I will not hesitate to kill upto 13 if anyone comes in way of my duty”, he roared.  He is one of the most feared guards amongst the poachers, someone who refuses to be bribed or influenced.  The brave heart completely bowled us over by his casual yet fierce and loyal sense of duty. “Sarkar ka namak khate hein, uske liye marenge bhee aur marenge bhee.”

The humble guard, with a meager salary, probably owes his iron grit to the childhood spent in Bihad, amidst the most dreaded dacoits like Phoolan Devi, Malkhan Singh and others. “I spent years with gangs of dacoits, eating, singing, dancing and moving around with them,” he stated off, “I have grown up listening to the stories of the legendary dacoits like Sultan Singh.”  On our insistence, Padam Singh agreed to share many fascinating stories about Chambal’s notorious past and the time with Phoolan Devi and Malkhan Singh gang.

The aging guard, whose wrinkled uniform and casual demeanor belies his grit, started off,  “It has been three decades since the larger than life dacoits were killed or surrendered.  We used to witness shooting between police and dacoits every now and then. Unlike the popular belief, dacoits did not move around on horses. They used to move on foot never staying at one place for more a couple of days. They had horses, which were used only to carry weapons and ammunition. Phoolan Devi used to move from M.P to Rajasthan never staying in one single place. She used to pitch tents at night. Whenever she needed grocery or other things, she used to send a list to the nearby village and it would be happily and dutifully delivered to the place directed.” He continued to narrate,  ”the rule was that at night the members of the gang were all disarmed and scattered in group to keep watch. They never slept in a group. All the arms were kept in custody of the mukhiya so that no traitor could attack the leader taking advantage of night.”  He said most films made on dacoits were far from reality.  The film on Phoolan Devi is the only one, which could be stated to be somewhat closer to reality, he declared.

“They were not dacoits in real sense. They looted the rich but distributed the spoils amongst the poor and needy. They fought suppression and injustice. They distributed money for holding weddings in poor households and extended financial help to the needy. The villagers still remember them with respect. Phoolan Devi was the most feared dacoit. If she would have been alive she would have been a popular leader of the down trodden today.”  A couple of boatmen standing around nodded their heads in agreement. “They had strong principles and unwritten rules which were followed religiously”, Padam Singh claimed.  He recounted an episode how a group of small time thieves looted a young bride traveling to her husband’s village after her marriage, of her jewellery claiming they were members of Malkhan Singh gang. The girl returned to her parent’s house refusing to go to her husband’s village without the jewelry. When Malkhan Singh learnt of it he presented the girl with jewelry and sent his men after the gang of thieves.” Pointing to the white structure on the nearby hilltop, he said, “Malkhan Singh built this small temple. They were not dacoits in true sense. They were rebels fighting for injustice.”

The man had an amazing sense of authority around him and an amazing sense of humour. Pointing to the three newborn cubs playing near his tent, he said I am going to name them: Daroga, Patwari and Vakil. “Kotwali aur kachehri dono yaheen hogi.” He laughed his heart out.  His laughter still echoes in our memory, pleasantly.

Padam Singh has three years of service left before he retires and has option to take a posting near his native village. But he refuses. “Don’t want to end up killing someone from my village where I and my family have rest of life to spend,” he said deep in thought looking at the solitary tent pitched near Chambal river which is his home for the next three years. 

I saluted him.

Sin and get relegated to India

This is a letter by a son to his parents.  If you don’t have a sense of humor please don’t bother to read. It won’t get you anywhere.

Dear Parents

Sub: Sin and get relegated to India.

I am appalled by your ignorance! Did you not know that Gods had designated India as the country of rebirth for sinners from around the earth (or may be even aliens) to repay for their ill deeds?  That was of course only till May last year. Gods seem to have since altered the fortune of India as pronounced in Shanghai (so let me call it the Shanghai Proclamation) and assigned some other country for sinners to be relegated to, to acquire citizenship by virtue of rebirth. After all sins continue to be committed and sinners continue to die and take rebirth. 

Had you not been ignorant, you both could have easily avoided the cursed jurisdiction tag for me by flying to Shanghai to give birth to me. And if Shanghai visa was difficult to get in those days, you could have flown to London, New York, Toronto or any other part of the world (it was a favourite for many in 1980-90s) where so many children are born to Indian parents. I would have still been of Indian origin but having born outside India I would have escaped the stigma of being called a sinner of previous life. Just because you gave me birth in India (and that too in a dusty and good-for-nothing town in Haryana of all places) I have become a sinner by assumption (we call it a legal fiction in legal parlance).

It is not God’s fault but yours. If you could not afford to travel far away, you could have simply taken a bus to Nepal. Actually you could have walked to Nepal. You walked for days when you migrated from Rodhu Sultan in Pakistan during partition to come and live in the country inhabited by sinners of previous birth. You asked for it, didn’t you? If you had stayed back I would have been born in Pakistan but then that was not all right because that was also once India.  I don’t know how Gods negotiated the India-Pakistan sinners jurisdiction issue up there when British were re-drawing physical boundaries down here. But then any place outside of India would have been right to result from your wedlock my dear parents. Shanghai was a preferred choice only because it would have given me the pleasure of listening live and applauding, to the Shanghai Proclamation. And I could have been suited-booted.

I am upset you did not teach me to curse my own country when I returned from a wonderful overseas trip to honking traffic, garbage piled up on roadside and the dust hanging in the air? Not to mention the long immigration queues and endless wait at luggage belts to collect bags before that (T-3 by the way is quite recent). You, my parents, have let me down. Why did you prompt me to fly back home at the first opportunity from my overseas business trips to be back in my country or make me turn down a high profile assignment with a multilateral body just because it required me to relocate to the capital of the most powerful nation on the earth? I could have been richer and perhaps have a more fashionable passport. That would have been a good bargain for a sinner of previous birth. Why did you teach me to respect all religions, bow when I pass a temple, mosque or church, touch the feet of my elders, stand up for national anthem, not breach traffic signals, obey rules, and be a proud Indian! I protest! I accuse you of not letting me be ashamed of being an Indian all these years. Did you not know sinners of previous birth are serving punishment in their next life and they are meant to be bad people? I hold you responsible for making me think I am a proud Indian.  I protest vehemently!

I have another complaint. Even when we were confronted by demoralizing episodes, from minor (such as, when my brand new Mercedes Benz was scratched on the very day I drove it out of the showroom or when I got stuck for hours on Delhi ring road traffic for uncountable times, hungry and thirsty, in the 1990s or when the “House Full” sign predictably appeared outside cinema halls on every Friday while the tickets were sold outside in “2 ka 4, 2 ka 4” with impunity or when it took months to obtain a passport and even longer to get a phone or gas connection or when our bags were frisked empty by customs at airport or when “sifarish” culture was at its peak) to significant events (such as when the 1984, 2002 and other riots shook the earth under my feet, demolition of Babri Masjid made me hang my head in shame, regular scandals and scams eroded my faith, assassination of our leaders created global concerns about India and many such other major events took place) you taught me to continue to have faith in the country.  You could have easily comforted me by reminding me that it is a country of habitual sinners. Instead you taught us to read Gita, fight injustice and agitate for my lawful rights and be compassionate to the poor, fight the system and its flaws but not curse the country.

Dear parents, I am confused. Should I wipe off my over-four decade history of being a proud Indian and start believing that I was ashamed of being an Indian all these years? About future I have no doubt because the fortune of India and Indians has changed and “achhe din” are here. (Refer the Shanghai Proclamation) 

I can still hear the loud applause that followed the Shanghai Proclamation.  Your reply, my parents, I am afraid will be lost in the din.  So please don’t bother to reply. But I am relieved that India is now liberated. We no longer need to believe that we were sinners. I am happy for my children. I am happy for every child.  Thank you dear Prime Minister.

Your obedient son

Indian (Born & Living in India)

From the Deepest bottom of the Pit

From the Deepest Bottom of the Pit. An Untold Story

A painful story of humiliation inflicted on a 15 year-old boy that bruised his soul, scarred his confidence, dwarfed his self-esteem and wounded his tender mind, refusing to subside or even hide under layers after layers of time, success, fame and happiness.

We all wonder if there has been an upsurge in incidents of brutalities on students by their teachers in recent times, blaming almost everything and everyone, from the degradation of society to deterioration of education system, from negligence of school managements to irresponsible teachers, for the tragic occurrences. The harsh and equally sad truth is that such deplorable acts have been practiced in our system from time immemorial. They were accepted by parents as an essential part of the disciplinary system, or ignored, overlooked or tolerated out of fear or respect for teachers and school managements. Reputed schools competed to stay on the top. The pressure of good scores was enormous; no compromises were to be made. Protesting was unthinkable.  No one, not even parents ever dared to question the methods or cared to find out how the atrocious treatment affected the impressionable, helpless, vulnerable young minds. It is our silence of years that must also share the responsibility for the state of affairs.  

This is that “once upon a time story” - the story of one such boy, one such teacher, one such school, in one such times.

There was this growing boy - a prolific reader, fascinated equally by literature and history.  He had little interest in other subjects, in particular in mathematics, which he found difficult to grasp. Yet he realized it was necessary to score well in all the subjects. And he did somehow manage to do well.  All was fine till he earned promotion to matriculation in a reputed school considered amongst the best in town.  Here began the most dreadful year of his life. Suddenly, there was an enormous pressure to excel in each subject. Mathematics score had to be cent percent.  The school was famous for being the top in the region in the matriculation results of CBSE board.  The tender mind of the boy, that loved to spend time dreaming, reading classic literature and writing poetry, found itself struggling with the stress to excel in science and mathematics. The peer pressure was simply overwhelming. His state was only perpetuated by the horrendous attitude of his math teacher and apathy of school principal.

The mathematics teacher, a rude elderly man, soon took a dislike to the boy. Without making any effort to investigate why the boy failed to stay upto speed in class or fare well in class tests, he started questioning the boy’s intelligence and abilities. Slowly, his treatment of the boy became targeted and personal. His attention shifted from teaching the boy to ridiculing him. Every day, without fail, the teacher would remember to remind the boy in full glare of class, and sometimes in presence of other teachers and the principal, that he was good-for-nothing, systematically demolishing his youthful confidence and self-esteem, breeding contempt for the subject, teacher and the school.  Soon it acquired a dimension where the boy stopped making any effort to learn the subject. This was more out of resistance and protest or perhaps to deliberately annoy the teacher than owing to lack of abilities. The hatred was now mutual and enjoyable on both sides. 

The teacher decided it was time to take the dislike to the next level. Corporal punishment was added to the verbal reprimands and mocking. Humiliation and mental torture were intensified.  What started as orders to “stand on the bench” to “turn murga” to “stand outside the class” soon graduated to spanking with the steel scale on the knuckles, open palms, writs and bare thighs.  It became an every day affair.  For a young boy, to be humiliated every day and being mocked by being made to stand on the desk or outside the classroom, holding ears or postured as a “murga” every single day, without exception, on slightest provocation, and left to face the dirty glares of the principal-on-round and passing-by teachers, mocking glares of girls students, and blatant teasing by class fellows was no less than being made to undress in front of the entire school. This shattered his confidence. The pain of humiliation soon became unbearable and the boy started planning an escape.

Thus began the next few months of lies, indiscipline and cheating. The boy started finding excuses to not attend school.  On the day he was unable to find an excuse, he started bunking school, loitering around or watching a movie all morning and concocting a leave application the following day to the school.  At home, he would study all subjects and complete homework except mathematics.  This was now a psychological battle between an experienced teacher and a student pushed to the wall.

One day the boy’s parents were summoned to the school and informed that their son would not be allowed to sit in the board exam because if he failed or scored less it would compromise the school position. The boy was devastated. He was confident he would do well notwithstanding the absence from classes. It was the mathematics teacher who never let him sit in the class or made an effort to appreciate that mathematics was not meant for the boy and to let him be. Perhaps a softer approach may have helped in generating some interest in the subject. It was not that he was not capable. The decision was final and no amount of persuasion would change the school decision.

The boy had to miss his board exams. He refused to go back to the same school for repeating the tenth class.  He dreaded the thought of having to face the same demon of a mathematics teacher and an insensitive principal. Then there was also shame of failure, the tag of having been disallowed to sit in board exam. The boy asked his parents to move his schools. Not an easy task. Who would want to admit a student who had not been allowed to sit in the board exam?

Then arrived this messiah! The principal of one of the schools agreed to meet this boy. She talked to him for a few minutes and decided to admit him. On the first day of the opening of the school, she summoned the boy to her room, handed over the newspaper of the day to him and said, “boy, you will read the headlines to the assembly today.”  The boy was aware it was a daily ritual for someone from class X to be randomly asked to read out the headlines to the assembly.  Those who were good at it were asked to read regularly. It was considered to be a privilege and students vied for it.  However, the boy never expected it would be him, on the very first day. He was not prepared for this.  His confidence was at the lowest. There was no way he could do this, he thought. The Principal, as if reading his thoughts, looked into his eyes and said, “go boy, I know you can do this. ”

The boy mustered courage and quickly penned down the headlines on a page. Fifteen minutes later, he stood before the assembly, his legs shaking. As he started reading, he felt his voice trembled too. But in a few seconds, he found his voice stabilized and legs steady.  He finished reading on a note of confidence. He turned to look at the principal. She nodded her head in approval.

The boy walked back to his class, feeling a steak of pride ignite somewhere deep within. In some strange way, he felt this walk back was in fact going to be a walk into future…into a new phase of life. That one episode, of being trusted, of being believed in, of being told, “yes, you can do it”, had changed everything for him.  How can two teachers be so different in their approach? One tried to demolish every seed of confidence in him; the other sowed one on the very first day. One teacher tried to destroy the boy; the other saved him.  In the next few days, life changed for the boy.  He was all over, in the cricket team, batting first down, participating in co-curricular activities, studying, and studying well.  His confidence was back; his self-esteem restored. He passed the board exams with flying colours, with distinction in social science.  Mathematics score was respectable too. For the boy, she was God sent! The boy’s faith was restored. But the pain subsisted. Still subsists!

The boy went on to earn distinctions scoring a top position in different subject every year in college and university.  Ironically, mathematics stayed by his side as he went on to become a “financial” lawyer of global repute. But, the painful memory of shame and humiliation inflicted on a 15 year-old boy that bruised his soul, scarred his confidence, dwarfed his self-esteem and wounded his tender mind refuses to subside or even hide under layers after layers of age, time, success, fame and happiness.

Note: The mathematics teacher died from ill health a few years ago.  The principal who asked the boy to read news headlines to the assembly retired long ago.  The boy is still in touch with her. The school that denied the boy to sit in the board exam is no longer considered amongst the best in town. The boy? The likes to wear his hats!

Can we get a “hands-off-the-crotch” legislation please?

Can we get a “hands-off-the-crotch” legislation please?

As in Italy, where scratching groin is linked to the phrase "io mi tocco i…", or "I touch my…", used in much the same way as "touch wood" is used in English, India must too have some fascinating and inspiring, yet-to-be-discovered-convention, to the Indian men reaching out to their genitals so liberally in public places.  Why else wouldn’t men leave their crotch alone in public? Can someone take up this as a subject of thesis please?  You will be doing a great service to this nation by revealing the mystery behind this pan-India phenomenon. 

Anywhere and everywhere – on streets, railway stations, airports, cinema halls, cricket fields, one can find men reaching down to their crotch and freely reshuffling their private parts while their body twists and turns in most audacious postures regardless of innocent bystanders; completely disregarding children and women of all ages, even animals around. I know of one senior lawyer who indulges in this act quite prominently even in a court room while arguing. He is a matter of joke in the entire bar!

Is there more to this ridiculous activity then what meets the eyes?  Some men may argue that scratching the crotch in public is a harmless and instinctive reflex with no sexual offence meant.  Well, it is surely not that innocent, my dear fellow-men.  Manipulating your genitals in full public glare can by no means be termed innocent. On the contrary, it is nothing short of an appalling behaviour.

While I agree that in some cases it may merely be a result of a craving for some long deprived soap and water to that out-of-reach part of the body while you are bathing.  In some cases, it may be an innocent act of compulsive, involuntarily movement, probably to adjust the overalls. Others may simply be providing momentary respite to a precious part under captivation of an undersized under pant.  For some it is a harmless habit. For a few it might be akin to women adjusting their bra? But, dear men, can you please not dig for gold in your own time and leave others alone? I have yet to see a woman indulging in anything remotely similar to this pass-time activity men indulge in, in public.

Then there are those for whom reaching out to their crotch in public is an act of manly-hood and nothing to do with sex.  They will do it as casually in presence of women as in presence of men only. To them this is as casual an act as of including choicest of abuses as an integral part of their normal day-to-day vocabulary. Then there is top-most rank of crotch-scratchers who would do this intentionally when a woman is around as an invitation for sex or to convey the imagination-mode their perverse mind is in at the given moment.  

The rules of social etiquette require all of us to abstain from doing anything that might be considered offensive to public decorum. And we don’t need convent education to learn basic norms of social co-existence. But then who cares about public decency when much more outrageous acts by public figures are condoned by blind followers be they be in social, religious or political field.  But the fact remains that it is a sinister behaviour which is contrary to public and socio-ethical behavioural rules. Indian men must abstain from any conduct potentially offensive to collectively-held feelings of decorum.

Let me not forget to mention that in Italy, while there are centuries old superstitions linked with this activity, crotch-scratching was outlawed by its courts in 2008.  The country’s court issued a “hands-off” ruling which threatens to fine anyone caught touching or reshuffling below the belt.  Judges in the case were helpful enough to suggest that would-be crotch criminals wait until they are the privacy of their own home before letting their hands wander.

Shameless crotch-scratching must be criminalised. Are our Parliamentarians listening or do we need the court to intervene in this matter too?

Weighing like a feather - my Vipassana experience

The month of July will go down in my life as the period of “awareness”.  I went through an extra-ordinary experience – an intricate and complex surgery of my subconscious mind by my own self using the centuries old technique of Vipassana.  Vipassana was rediscovered by Gotama the Buddha over twenty-five centuries ago. Vipassana means seeing things as they really are.  To those this sounds familiar - yes, I took the 10-day Vipassana course in July  as taught by Shri S.N. Goenka in the tradition of Sayagu U Ba Khin of Burma.  What I experienced over the 10-day course was a phenomenon that words cannot express. Yet I am unable to hold myself back from sharing my encounter with Vipassana with both, the known and the unacquainted.

To put a context to the narration I must first provide a brief flashback of a certain aspect of my life and a brief glimpse into a facet of mine known to very few.  I came to Delhi in 1993 as a simple young man from a small town carrying a big dream of establishing a law firm.  There was no Godfather to bless and no one to hold hand.  I soon learnt that in order to become successful and respected lawyer in this gigantic city not only would I need to work hard with all the sincerity at my command but I would also need to develop a ruthless professionalism and adapt to the Delhi lifestyle. All this while preserving ethics and principles, and guarding against short term temptations. Those who have worked with me, as lawyers, trainees or as a member of my staff would mostly remember me as a strict and an uncompromising disciplinarian, who wanted his entire team to strive for excellence in work, observe and honour strict timelines and maintain high standards of professional ethics.  Enforcing all this was not an easy task as I had to be a tough task master constantly keeping my team on their feet. Female colleagues would often break down.  It was equally tough for me to conduct myself in that fashion as I am inherently an emotional, compassionate and a forgiving person.  In fact I was tough on the surface, often screaming and shouting at all who worked with me, but remained compassionate and loving towards them beneath the surface.  Am sure though that I was largely misunderstood by most. But I never let them become aware that I was soft under the surface although I would be almost apologetic in my heart while shouting and screaming, and expecting tough results.  It was for their good too after all.  Suffice to state that I this paid well and I climbed up the ladder of success in a matter of short time.  Aspirations and goals were set and achieved, step by step.  I was very proud that I achieved all that I aspired without ever deviating from the path of my principles, honesty and ethics.

But then success does take its own toll I guess. It was only much later that I was to realise that as I basked in the glory of success some weaknesses crept in slowly but strongly.  I was so busy that I failed to notice when they got in and settled into my system. While I was climbing up the ladder of success a strong ego developed. I became self-centric and started judging people.  I realised this only three years back when I stepped back from legal profession at the peak of my career and started pursuing other interests but did not have the courage to accept or admit.  But for the Vipassana course I would have probably not admitted it even today.  Even though I fully realised whenever any of my actions or reactions resulted from my ego, self-centralism or as a result of judging others I could not correct myself beyond a degree.  This was not the Sumant who had come to this town with a resolve to make big without allowing his original simplicity and innocence to get lost and humility to be compromised.  I became restless. I had to get rid of these negativities. But how?  I read many inspirational books but found them all good only theoretically providing very little practical guidance.

Last year someone suggested that I attend a Vipassana course. Not being a great believer of meditation and discourses I rejected the idea in the first instance.  Being an intellectual I needed something that would not insult my intelligence and yet appeal to my sensibilities – something that is as rational and logical as mystical it sounds. Vipassana sounded convincing.  Neither did it promote or encourage any particular faith nor condemned any. There was no expectation to convert to Buddhism as Buddha himself never expected a sect to be created in his name or belief.   No fee is charged for teaching, boarding and food.   A friend who had undergone the course endorsed the choice of Vipassana and I decided to take the plunge and filed for registration.  It took one email to get a response and my registration was confirmed. I picked up the centre in Jodhpur as Rajasthan is one place where I feel at ease and that I was sure was going to be helpful in my endeavour.

I was sufficiently warned both, by my friend and the introductory reading material forwarded by the centre that it is a very tough course and I will not be allowed to leave after I have reported at the centre. I was informed that all sadhaks (students) must scrupulously observe the code of discipline. They must maintain noble silence for the entire period of the course. They can neither talk to anyone nor write or make any physical gestures or even make an eye contact.  Male and female students have separated residential quarters and dining rooms.  They have to walk with their eyes to the ground.  Mobile phone, laptop and reading material must be surrendered to the management.  No musical instrument or any other gadget is allowed to be retained.  The sadhaks must maintain complete silence and talk only when they have any question for the teacher at designated time. Silence must not just be literal but also noble.

Sounds tough but not much to me as being a reticent person I don’t prefer to talk much anyways.  In fact I prefer silence to noise any day. That I will need to get up at 4am and go to sleep at 9.30 pm every day also did not worry me.  It sorts of sounded familiar as I am an early riser and early to bed person.  Two meals a day with a cup of tea and snack at 5 pm as last meal caused only a minor anxiety as I have moved to either a very light dinner or altogether skipping it over the previous year.  No non-vegetarian food! I am not desperate about food so that did not cause any anxiety either.  What did however cause some anxiety was the schedule of 10 hour sittings for meditation every day.  Sitting for long hours without back support was going to be stressful for my fragile back that I had hurt 6 years ago in a freak accident at home.  I will cross that bridge when I come to it I decided. My resolve only became stronger.

I arrived at the centre at 1 pm on the zero day.  I was allotted a very small room (all rooms are very small) with only a hard low bed and a cooler for the furnishing.  It was later that I learnt that Jodhpur is the only centre in Rajasthan which provides coolers in student residence. In other places one must do with a fan only. And remember at places like Churu temperature rises to 50 degrees Celsius during summers.  There was a thin mattress and pillow on the bed. I was provided a sheet and pillow cover. This was to be self washed and re-used during the stay.  So were to be my clothes as there was no laundry service. Fortunately I had remembered to pack some detergent.  A common earthen pot served as the source of water to all students and staff.  Everything appeared as difficult as it had sounded. 

There were 14 other students who arrived in quick succession after me.  There were 4 females one out of which was a Spaniard. Amongst men there were 2 young Japanese. Some of the students were very interesting characters. One Dhani Ram in particular kept me amused through the course. Someday I propose to write about him. We were served some dalia and tea at 6 pm followed by an orientation on the dos and don’ts. By 8 pm I was in my room. Good for the day! We were to be woken up at 4am.  A server (also a sadhak from previous courses) would come ringing a bell. He would do this later for 11 days each time it was time to wake up, meditate or break for food. 

 Two meals a day comprising simple vegetarian food, noble silence and other measures that sounded so tough to live by remained of no significance whatsoever once the teaching started.  Once I started learning the technique and appreciating the context and relevance of the code of discipline to the success of the course I stopped paying any attention to them and accepted them graciously being part of the moral conduct prerequisite to the purification of the mind that I was seeking. Its relevance is so convincingly explained by Shri S. N. Goenka in the first day discourse. In fact the moral conduct is nothing but Sila, one of the three gems given by Buddha, the other two being being Samadhi (concentration by meditation) and Panna (the wisdom of insight or purification of mind through enhanced awareness)that form the basis of Vipassana.  Sila comprises of Five Precepts – to abstain from killing any sentient being, stealing sexual misconduct, lying and taking any intoxicant. This is necessary to free the mind from the agitation such acts cause.

It is the Samadhi and Panna that offer the real challenge. To go through this one needs a strong mind full of determination and resolve.  Yet sensitive enough to be able to adapt. One is expected to completely surrender to the faith in Buddha’s teachings. No one can possibly doubt what Gotama discovered. Yes, there can be doubts and questions about the technique most of which are suitably answered by Shri Goenka in an hourly discourse played digitally every evening.  So self-explanatory is the discourse that questions that pop up during the day get answered by the evening discourse played on DVD. Then there is a teacher at the centre who takes questions every evening and privately after the lunch break.  Long hours of meditation with slow progress can be frustrating. Weak minds break down and call it off. But no one can leave the course without completing it unless the teacher decides otherwise and lets you go. 2 girls left on the 6^th day but not after a reprimand of confinement to their room for two days.  1 male left , 2 barely survived and 2 managed to sail through without learning. Only 4 first timers including me sustained. Rest were all old students.

I don’t intend to provide a day by day account of the 10 day course. That will be unfair as it must be left to be experienced by those who enrol for the course.  Suffice to say it is run with remarkable precision. You can set your watch by the dong of the bell.  Let me provide an overview of the course. The first few days the students are taught anapana – the technique of concentration by observing breath in a natural way without distortion.  One is advised not to imagine any form or object for acquiring concentration. No artificial form of breathing is proposed.  One is left wondering why observe breath for so many hours or rather over 3 days. This is necessary to develop control the unruly mind.  It is absolutely critical that one sharpens and focuses one’s mind because your elevation to next level or for the matter progress or success depends on this.  These first few days can be really frustrating and are during which most of the drop-outs happen. After all it is not easy to tame a mind that is wilder than many elephants put together. You only realise the benefit of anapana when you enter the fourth day. This is the stage when you start learning Vipassana and start looking forward to the next guidance and experience.  To start with, students are asked to measure the level of sharpening of mind by observing sensations on the inside walls of the nose.  This is easier said than done. 

Let me at this stage explain why observe sensations? Well because it is within one’s own body’s sensations lies the entire truth of life and solution to my problem.  This is the truth that Gotama the Buddha discovered 25 centuries ago.  Even that far back in time it was well known and preached by scriptures of all religions and by saints so many that the six senses (the sixth being the conscious mind which senses emotions) are the cause of all problems as they lead to dvesha (aversion)  and raga (craving) resulting in misery.  All recommended that to end the misery one must gain control on these senses. Easier said than done. No one could really advise how to gain control.  The only solution proposed was to stay away from them. In extreme cases people became a hermit or renounced the worldly life to detach from these sensual objects. Buddha was not convinced.  He knew there was a missing link and wondered surely there must be a better way to overcome this misery.  He set out to discover the root cause of the misery and decided to meditate till he attained Enlightenment.  And he did discover the truth and gained Enlightenment. He found that the root cause of misery and their solution lie within us.  He realised that whenever any of the six senses come in contact with an object it produces a peculiar sensation in the body. This could be simply speaking a negative or positive, good or bad sensation.  After all our body is nothing but vibrations caused by sub-atomic particles holding together.  There is no solidity.  The subconscious mind reads the sensation and sends a signal to the conscious mind to react accordingly. The reaction is broadly in the form of a craving or aversion.  If we like anything, a sensation arises that sends a signal of craving to the subconscious mind which in turn send a signal to the conscious mind which acts accordingly.  If we don’t like something it creates aversion.  Both are not good as they cause misery eventually due to attachment or aversion.  None of the sensations are permanent.  They come and go away. If one is able to acquire the ability and wisdom to observe these sensations and treat them with equanimity with full awareness that good or bad, both are temporary and will pass, one is able to develop a balanced mind which responds with equilibrium to each sensation. They just need to be observed.  If reaction is not based on the judgement (that is, good or bad sensations), it will be result into a balanced action.  This will ensure that no misery is caused. For this one must develop a pure mind. Hence, the anapana and the learning of observation of sensation. This is an overly simple explanation and perhaps not even as accurate as I should have been.  But I am sure you can read more about it on-line.

Than begins the most amazing part. Once you are ready and can observe sensations with equanimity, you are asked to let your mind travel on the surface of your entire body, part by part, from top to bottom and then bottom to top to observe and feel sensations in your body.  In the parts you don’t feel sensation you may stay a bit longer till you start feeling a sensation.  Sensations can be subtle or overpowering, ecstatic or painful. One must only observe them without reacting and maintain complete equanimity. This is the toughest part as one needs a strong resolve to maintain the equilibrium.  But it is absolutely critical to attain mastery of observation while maintaining equanimity as only this can help in perfecting the technique of Vipassana and prepare to regulate the action and reaction that result from such sensations in real life.  By now you are fully aware that no sensation is same or permanent. Temptations will pass and so will aversions and cravings.

As a next step, if and after one has acquired adequate mastery, one starts a deep and intense surgery of the subconscious mind by feeling sensation in every part of the body. One soon acquires the skill to activate and sensitise dormant parts which had earlier failed to produce any sensations. At the next level one penetrates inside one’s body to perform a similar operation there.  If perfect technique is applied one can reach out to the deepest levels of his or her subconscious mind and all the impurities, negative energies, blockages, fears and sins from the past, from this life and previous lives, hidden beneath layer after layer of sensations, start coming on the surface and disintegrating in different ways.  I would restrain myself from exposing more details of this particular part of exercise and must leave it to be experienced by the student. Suffice to state that it is an overwhelming experience.  I had strange dreams many of which I could not interpret as I was advised not to focus on them.  A number of strange things were expected to happen I had been warned as a reaction to the deep rooted impurities and negativities coming up on the surface. I was advised to ignore them all together and accept them without fear or concern. The risk of going the route of investigating them was losing focus on the task in hand, that is, learning the technique and practising it.  Suffice to say what I experienced was beyond my comprehension.  I am however tempted to share one particular dream which had a great relevance.  Over past many years whenever I closed my eyes, the barrel of a gun appeared in my thoughts as a first thing. I had to shrug it away every time.   On the 5^th day I had a dream where I saw a family of 6 people including 2-3 women waiving guns on a person. I am not sure if that person was me or if I was one of the many spectators watching the brandishing of the guns.  But one of the guns was familiar. It had the same barrel that appeared in my thought.  From that day the barrel stopped appearing in my thought. I don’t know if this was an incident from my past life or an episode from my childhood but whatever it was the barrel is gone.  My locked shoulder opened up and my back pain went away.  I also discovered the answer to some things that lingered in my conscious.

 There are atleast a dozen or so experiences to share but it will be inappropriate to tell them all mainly because I do not intend to demean the course by creating an impression that it resolves your ailments or other doshas. That is not the objective of the course.  These are only the collateral results or benefits of learning Vipassana.  At the core of the course was the learning that resolved my problem and provided answer to many questions that stalk or nag a human mind.  The learning how to overcome the craving and aversions and thus avoid misery. To learn that nothing is permanent so why the Ï”?  To learn that every negative action by you harms only you and none else. To learn that all your negative actions result in a dosha  within you creating misery in one form or the other.  Those who harm you are only ignorant of what they are doing.  We must learn to smile at their ignorance and have only compassion for them.  All punishments for our sins are awarded in this very lifetime by nature. Such is the law of nature.. Whatever is not settled in this life is carried forward to the next life as mind is a child of mind.  Much more.  Vipassana enables one to experience peace and harmony, freeing it from the deep rooted cause of suffering and full liberation from mental defilements. Such was the relief of the learning, experience of Vipassana and the benefit of surgery that I cried unstoppably for an hour on the 8^th day.

By the end of the 8^th day I felt light like a feather, awakened and fully aware of the truth of life.  I saw things as they were – impermanent.  My ego had crumbled and the “I” in me had dissolved.  I felt only love and compassion.   I hope and wish that this phenomenon will not wane away and I will be able to sustain it through my life.  It is only a small beginning although the learning and the experience is gigantic. I now meditate every day one hour in the morning and one in the evening, committed to undertake my next course after a gap of 6 months.  The best part is one can practice Vipassana while remaining a house-holder.  I mentioned I often felt a powerful pull deep inside me.  I failed to interpret its cause or seeking despite all efforts.  It was so powerful at times that I would often feel like walking away in search of the answer.  The day I stepped out of the Vipassana centre after completing the course I knew that this had been the pull and my calling.  And I know where the seed for that came from.  Let that remain my little secret.  For now, I am happy I have found my path and rediscovered the Sumant that came to this town 20 years ago.